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As I watched Brave Billy walk I could not help but compare him to a
thoroughbred racehorse; long, lean and powerful. I remember when I was a
youth of about 10 years of age my neighbor, old man Peters, used to buy
me ice cream and then take me down to the equestrian stables and teach
me how to gauge the physical capabilities of a horse just by studying
the muscle density of its hind quarters. He also taught me that you can
do the same with a human by studying his gluteus maximus as he walked.
Mr. Peters would demonstrate his remarkable theory by having me strut for him
while he watched intently. He explained to me that I had the stride of a true
athlete and often suggested that I should perhaps consider studying ballet at
the local dance school where he was a paid instructor. His kind compliments
always caused me to blush but alas, I was too shy to follow up on his
well-meaning advice.
In any event, as I watched Brave Billy amble down the walk I studied
the tell-tale muscles in question. They were thin, yet powerful and
looked like two firm apples as they alternately bobbed up and down
with each regal stride. They worked like two well-oiled pistons
driving this magnificent specimen forward. As I stared transfixed, I
could not help but compare him to the gallant equestrians that I
watched with Mr. Peters when I was a young boy. I always remember
Mr. Peters saying that if one were to mount such a horse that the
ride would surely be a pleasurable one of both high speed and
endurance.
Also as I watched the ambling athlete, I could not help but to, once
again, compare him to Fearless Frankie whose magnificent gluteus maximus muscles
are much larger than Brave Billy's and are more akin to two large, steel
cannonballs, which is a reflection of his great physical strength. In this way,
these two members of my 'Platoon of Piety' are quite different. For though both
are extremely athletic, one is built for speed and stamina and the other is built
for sheer, raw power.
I continued to follow the brave one for several more blocks while I was lost
in these scientific thoughts when suddenly he made a turn into the courtyard of
an apartment building on 51st Street. "So this is where the brave one resides!"
I thought to myself excitedly. The building was right across the street from a
firehouse and the irony of Brave Billy living so near a station that housed
N.Y.'s Bravest was not lost on me. I smiled and nodded knowingly toward the
heavens, for surely The Almighty One was the clever author of this ingenious
symbolism.
I hurried my gait now and turned into the courtyard but to my dismay
Brave Billy was already gone! To make matters worse, there were three different
entrances to this multiple domicile.
What kind of trickery was this? What fate awaited me if I entered the
wrong portal? Surely The Demon was behind this confusion! But I had to make a
decision for I had come this far and there was no turning back now. So, knowing
that the left hand was the hand of The Demon I decided to choose the first door
to my right. The door was locked and even though it was 2 A.M., I decided to
ring all of the bells in the hope that somebody would grant me access. Finally,
somebody did so and I burst into the foyer shouting Brave Billy's name. I wanted
to get his attention before he entered the silence of his living quarters and was
lost to me, perhaps forever.
"Brave Billy!! Brave Billy!!" I screamed but the only response was my
own voice reverberating through the empty halls.
Just then a door on the first floor opened and a huge bear-like man
stepped out.
"What's going on out here?" he demanded to know.
I was about to answer him when I noticed a scantily clad young woman
peeking over his shoulder. This sight sent shivers of disgust through me as I
pointed at the two decadent debauchers.
"Evil, disgusting, sinners, REPENT!!!!!" I screamed.
Apparently these truthful accusations were too much for the gargantuan to
handle and he lunged for me, grabbed me and squeezed me in a powerful bearhug. The
pain was unbearable as I felt my ribs caving in and the pus-filled ulcers on my
back begin to burst open and ooze painfully from the pressure.
I was beginning to black out. But then, just as I felt that I was about
to leave this mortal coil, another first floor door opened and out shuffled a
very frail and elderly woman. She was carrying a frying pan and she looked very
angry. Though she struggled to walk, she began to head in the direction of the
ensuing scuffle. I was relieved when I saw my new-found ally raise the frying pan
over her head. She was going to save me! It looked as though she was about to bring
the makeshift weapon crashing down on the head of the gargantuan but to my shock
she struck me on my skull with a resounding crash instead!
CLANG!!!!!
"So, you too are in legion with The Demon!" I taunted her. With that she
brought the misused utensil down on my head again as she huffed out her own retort.
"F%$k you!" was her evil response. Such vulgarity was more piercing to my ears
than even the pain that her frying pan had wrought upon my head!!!!!
At this point I realized that I was no match for these evil-doers who
had accosted me so I decided to feign unconsciousness in the hope that the grim
giant might release me from his death grip. My ploy worked for as I pretended to go
limp he released me.
As I lay prostrate on the floor, the evil, old hag purposely coughed up a
significant amount of phlegm which she spit at me, striking me on my cheek. I had
no choice but to suffer this vile indignation as the sputum started to flow down
my face and run across my slightly parted lips. It’s salty taste and lumpy texture
nearly made me gag as it seeped into my mouth and I imagined the millions of
multi-legged, pestilent microbes that swam about and made this virulent sea their
home. Yet I dared not move a muscle. I had to continue my charade and hope that my
apparent helpless condition would cause my captors to let down their guard, which
in turn would give me a chance to escape.
No sooner had I thought this when the giant said to the evil crone that he
was going to call the police. He foolishly left the hag to watch over me and as
soon as he was gone I rose and bolted for the door. At this point she screamed and
raised her wicked weapon, poised to strike another blow to my aching skull but I
was too swift for her. As I ran for the door I rammed my shoulder into her chest
with all the force that I could muster. I heard a rush of air escape from her
mouth and the cracking of her ribs. The force of my attack sent her reeling
backwards and I heard a hollow thud echo through the hallway as her head slammed
into the wall and she crumpled into a heap on the floor.
I didn’t look back as I shot out the door to freedom. I sprinted towards
the # 7 train station where I would hop a turnstyle and make my way to safety.
I knew full well that I would soon return to continue my fight against
evil and that my success was now assured. For I had found Brave Billy and in doing
so I had found VICTORY!!!!!!
SINNERS REPENT!
GOD SAVE THE JACKSON CLUB!
Yours In Holy Goodness,
Father Bishop
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